Tuesday, March 8, 2005

Quick Recipe for Mental Disaster

Here is Ryan's quick recipe to mental exhaustion and negative self-evaluation.

I get frustrated quite easily. In my mind, a mild problem can turn into what seems like a hopeless situation in no time. This is not good. I tend to jump from one project to another, apparently seeking out some sort of dork endorphin rush - but if I don't get that rush within this unconscious threshold I fold and move on to the next endeavor in the seemingly endless sea of geekdom. A lot of times rather than simply moving on, I feel the need to throw a little conniption - you know, because "the man" has done me wrong by not giving me my quick dose of happy.

I am like a hedonist, concerning myself only with short-term bursts of accomplishment. Steven Covey would say that I lack a "personal mission statement". By not having this ability to start with the end in mind, I end up building my pride on an erratic foundation of questionable endevors. Needless to day, the vicissitudes can hit hard.

This has become a knee-jerk reaction over time, but as I get older I'm beginning to feel some solid shame surrounding my immaturity. The treatment is not to focus on "not getting frustrated" or to "control my anger", rather I need to figure out what is truly important. If I want to continue seeking quick, cheap thrills I need to evaluate myself with that goal in mind. How do I compare to the typical amphetamine abuser? Hmm, maybe that's not the goal I should have in mind.

Although my actions show a tendency toward short-lived excitement, I tend to evaluate myself against those with a completely different focus. In pool, skateboarding, school, on the job - in everything - I have always felt that somehow it just wasn't fair. I see people that skate less than I do... but they are so much better than I am. I get jealous of the seemingly photographic memory of others and curse my feeble mind when I can't remember people's names 2 minutes after I meet them.

Perhaps I need a new outlook - a better way of evaluating my life. The hypocritical way in which I dare compare myself to the targets of my envy is inconsistent with my beliefs.